The Great Mother/Non-Mother Divide...and Pyjamas

So someone took offence to this post.  That's fine but I have a few things to say here, because it irks me...irritates me to quote said reader.

I am not a mother. My mother is eager for some more grandkids, but I have other priorities in my life right now. Some of my best friends are parents and I think it is a wonderful thing. Truly beautiful. But...being a mother does not somehow make you better than me. If you are like this, then you are to quote the reader's description of me, superior, snotty and judgemental. I posted this entry because of women like this, who think that populating one's uterus is the key to all understanding. One day, God willing, I will be a mother and I hope to not be like this.

I do not appreciate women like this, who think that their problems are better or worse than a woman with no children. I make no apologies for loving fashion and fabulousity, for wanting to travel and enjoy all that life has to offer. Am I rich? No. Am I spoilt? Hardly. But just as some women love craft, cooking, writing etc, I also have my interests.

My parents, who did not have all the opportunities in the world that my brother and I had, worked hard and raised us so that we would be able to access all these things. My father especially wanted me to be able to access these things without falling into the dependency trap. I had the gift of having the main man ...MAN...in my life tell me that he wanted me to have access to education so I would never have to depend on a man for anything.

I went without a lot to get a lot - I am paying for my Masters degree - tuition of over 11,000quid - out of pocket. Add living expenses, in a very expensive city, and it's a big chunk of my savings - savings I accumulated over the years not from being spoilt or born with some kinda golden spoon, but from doing without. I did without a lot of things. I love fashion, yes, but I don't own a single item of clothing that has an expensive label on it. I buy shoes at Payless, and guess what? I am still frickin' awesome! If you don't think you're awesome enough to pull on a pair of jeans and a clean shirt to go out in public, more power to you.

I live a poor student's life at the moment, in a country that is not mine, away from everything I know and love. I joke about these things because being a bitch about it will get me nowhere and I chose this, just as I am sure you chose to be a mum.

I joke about not being able to afford cheese or buying eggs or sausages on offer. It's hilarious to me how long it takes me to decide whether I will splurge on frickin' sausages. I joke about the 3-4 days I sometimes go, without sleep, so I can finish assignments and do well. I joke about sitting in my room during the day in winter without the heater on because I am mindful that I am living in my cousin's house rent-free and heating is expensive. I joke and gripe about the weather in the UK, where I have been sick and in bed more times than I have been in the rest of my life combined. I have medical issues I don't mention cause that is not really anyone's business. I have commitments and frustrations like anyone else. Before I left my job, my days started at 3.30 every morning and ended at 10, 11 at night. I did this EVERY DAY!!! To get to work on time, to face the music for 8, sometimes 12, sometimes 14 hours.

So don't think because I don't have sick kids or shitty diapers to wash, that my life is perfect and moving along swimmingly. As Trinis would say, yuh farse and bright! I get depressed sometimes but only sometimes because guess what - someone else has it worse than I do. Much worse. I have great friends, great, amazing family and a damn good life. Should I apologise for this?

And because you have a child, like the millions of other women on the planet, somehow you are better than me or your issues more important than mine? I don't think so.

Let me just add something else here - my mother had 2 kids. My parents were both public servants in Trinidad, which means we were not rich. My brother and I got sick like other kids. We had things we wanted and needed like other kids. They had to find money to get these things. And yet, my mother was and is the most beautiful woman I know. She had a very demanding full time job, 2 kids, a house to run, a husband to look after (you know these husbands are the other child in the brood), always had dinner on the table even after a hard day at work, and yet, she was always beautiful. Sometimes she would have to do without so we would have but she was always sharp, well put together and a queen. I never saw my mother leave the house looking less than she was. So lady with a problem, if I think leaving the house without having a shower, walking through the supermarket at 5.30 in the afternoon in your bathrobe is annoying, it is because I saw even with all her frustrations, my mother always looking like class. She could not always go to the hairdresser - I soon learnt the art of applying relaxer to her hair. She could not always buy a new outfit. But she was always taking a moment for herself and keeping herself looking presentable.

My friend who has kids, posted this in response to my question regarding your opinion:

when the babies come, time gets ridulously short. those leisurely hours at the hairdresser, getting mani/pedis simply no longer exist. you get so wrapped up in your role it is easy to let it slip because nothing matters more to you than the... baby at that time. BUT that is all the more reason why you need to take time out and take care of yourself. Its an easy trap to fall in but you have to make yourself a priority too.

I agree that it is too easy a trap to fall into and too easy an excuse to use all the time. My girlfriends have kids. None were privileged, some of them are single mothers and still, they manage to show that being a mother - single or otherwise - does not preclude you from being fabulous. And being fabulous does not mean expensive clothes, heels or makeup. Please read my posts properly before making comments. I go out in jeans and baby tees most of the time but I still think I am the cat's meow. All women, mothers or not, need to make time for themselves.

I am not saying there are not times when mothers will jump out of bed to run out the door, to do whatever - but to use that as an excuse for all eternity is a cop out. If you describe your life as a mess, then maybe it will be a mess. That's the trap my friend is talking about and you have clearly fallen in it. There are so many other mommy bloggers out there, and I am sure they will also agree with you, and don't get me wrong, I know it is the truth. But don't use that as an excuse to get away from having some love for yourself either. Me time, for anybody, is vital. So if I don't agree with you that life is a mess, I am sorry. I prefer to aim higher, despite its challenges.

I imagine motherhood is both rewarding and challenging. So is the rest of life and we non-mums live it as well. Just remember that.