Spanx - Surely a New Method of Torture

(The blog looks different, doesn't it?)

I remember saying once, If I ever get to the point in my life where I need to buy and ultimately wear Spanx, I will shoot myself.


Pass me the gun!

I walked into the lingerie store yesterday and there I was - in the control undies section. I could hardly believe it myself. What a nightmare. I now understand the pain of the corset wearing ladies back in the day.

The sales girl was happy enough to show me all the various versions of this thing, while trying to be part of a fake sisterhood.

Oh yes. I have a pair of these. These are good.

She said this with a straight face as I did an internal eye roll because this heifer was as fat as a spaghetti stick with no obvious signs of lumps or bumps. Lady, gimme a break!

There was one brand of torture wear - it has to be torture to yank yourself into these contraptions, and risk fainting after an hour of having your guts compressed to their breaking point - called Body Wrap. The thing looked like mummification of the living. I could not understand how anyone could feel comfortable in that. Lingerie sessions are usually fun and sexy but this one was rather gloomy. On top of it all, these predators are making a killing off fat people. These things are not cheap. I mean, wow...I have to pay through my nose for your product to literally suck the air out of me?

I put Body Wrap, Spanx, Maidenform and all the other sick brands back on their racks and walked out the store in total denial, and without making a purchase. I have somehow convinced myself that in 6 days I can somehow miraculously transform my body from Michelin tyre dude to Heidi "The Body" Klum and can tell Spanx et al to bite me. I say this after confidently and unabashedly eating 2 chocolate chunk muffins and having a couple vodka spritzers today, not to mention the roti lunch. Lovely.

In reality, I will most likely be back in the store on Saturday morning to get me something so that my ass does not look like a satellite at my event that night. It does however give me yet another wake up call that I need to get myself back in gear with the workouts and also quit snacking. Seriously.

6 comments:

  1. Spanx is evil....I mean really...you can't breathe!!! But it makes you look so good that you are willing to sacrifice.

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  2. Oh dear God. Let me tell you my experience. Quite a while ago, I needed what my uncle who's afraid of flying, a.k.a. "Road Warrior" would call "BODY ARMOUR". I high stepped into the lingerie section of a fancy-pants department store so I could get the personal attention and empathy I deserved. Well, first there was the panty girdle. After pulling and tugging for about 5 minutes to get the darned thing on, I figured it could work--but it wasn't perfect. I thought I could do better. Enter Spanx. Let me say this: After sweating and fighting to get this thing on for about 15 minutes, I saw my life flash before my very eyes. I'm surprised I'm still here. Sure, for a split second looking in the mirror, my belly disappeared (and so did my spleen, kidneys and lungs). I seriously thought I was going to die. I wouldn't have looked cute in a body back with Spanx. Can you imagine my epitaph? "Here she lies, Spanxed and all, a size zero."

    ReplyDelete
  3. Despite temptation, I'm not going down that road yet. However, every fibre of my thirty-something year old body abhors physical activity. It's just criminal.

    PS: The new layout looks nifty. Cheers!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm eating tortilla chips and salsa con queso while reading this post and lamenting the fact that I have a dress to fit into in three weeks.

    Why do we women do this to ourselves??

    ReplyDelete
  5. Lord. I actually went to work the other day and was convinced I looked as though I was carrying a baby (when I gain weight, it all goes to my belly). SO much so, that I considered purchasing a pair of Spanx. I had no idea about the pain. NO THANK YOU. I'll just make people uncomfortable in the morning with the "is she, or isn't she?" look in their eyes, as they wonder if they should give up their seat to the possible pregnant woman.

    Anyway, I'm sorry about your Spanx experience. But those muffins sound delish!

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  6. Thank God I'm not that vain. However, I am quite overweight and so went to try on some Spanx awhile back. I started out with the size for my measurements and moved up a couple of times. Finally, I got a pair on that was for something like twice my measurements and decided they didn't fit. The sales girl looked at me like I was crazy when I told her none of them fit. You see, I've always been a woman hell-bent on comfort and none of these things were comfortable and actually only caused pain. I decided I'd rather look lumpy than be confined to those crazy things.

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