Learning and Owning your Sadness in pursuit of Happiness

I read this article this week and it truly resonated with me.

The Secret of Happiness? Stop Feeling Bad About Being Unhappy.

Now while I make a conscious attempt to be fun and bubbly most of the time, the reality is...wait for it...I cannot and am not high on life every day. Yes, I preach the whole 'life is beautiful' spiel because I truly believe it is and you just need to pick up a newspaper, turn on the news or talk to friends or random people to appreciate the blessings in your own life as compared to the horrors in our world.

But that is just it. The world itself is not a utopia. The world is a dark, grim place where people hate each other so much that they lie, attack each other, kill each other, start wars and the like. Where mothers look at their toddlers while they sleep, eyes filled with love and hearts with gratitude for this small blessing in their lives but still ponder and sometimes feel a bit guilty for bringing them into a world where we have to reaffirm that black lives matter or girls are awesome or gays have rights too, because so many are still ignorant or dismissive of these facts.

And these are global issues, which filter down to your own lives in Trinidad, New York, Nassau or Pretoria because you cannot divorce your personal lives from the psychosis around us.

But getting off the cloud above it all and coming back to the space where you, the mother, wife, sister, daughter, employee, friend, person are living his or her own life right now, at this moment - you have your own personal problems.  We all have problems. Full stop. Punto finale. We wake up each day and we face one thing or another - exhaustion, dead end job, screaming kids, bills, loneliness, cheating spouse, illness, death, fear - the list goes on. Recently, in supporting two friends, I encouraged them both to work through their sadness on their own time. Too many times, we get frustrated with friends and relatives when we feel they are wallowing in the murkiness of their experience for too long. But that's just it - it is their experience, not ours. Where I would have a concentrated, contracted period of darkness, another person may need months to get past the hurt from a similar event. I know a guy whose son died in a freak accident almost 15 years ago, and he just never truly recovered from that until his grandson was born recently. Now the light in his eyes is finally shining again - after 15 years.

We edit life every day - we post photos of happy moments on Instagram or Facebook; photos of cocktail hours with friends or vacations or special moments with significant others. We rarely, if ever, post photos of the darkness - when we sit alone in a room and cry, or we are so depressed we cannot get off the couch. And that's okay because that is our truth. The universal truth though is that pain is just a part of life and we must accept that. To me, pain allows us to cherish the happy moments. They go hand in hand. A world that pushes happiness down our throats, without acknowledging that it is unrealistic to always be on top of our emotions, almost making us feel bad about being unhappy, is a world that creates us to feel badly about ourselves, makes us envy others, makes us edit our narrative to promote an unrealistic image of who we are.

I go into deep, dark places sometimes. Deep, dark places. I edit. It is my truth. I don't have to share it with the world if I don't want to. I don't claim to be the happiest woman alive. I accept that I cannot be 'up' all the time. When I am not 'up', I want others to appreciate that I am human and I have hurt and pain and fear as much as I have all this love to give. I cannot dismiss how I feel because you have placed an expiration date on my emotions. We can be happy. We can be content. But we can also be unhappy and constantly searching for answers to life's many questions. That's okay. We don't dwell on it but we accept it. I accept my truth.

That's it for today

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When being the biggest loser is a good thing!

Our homemade ice cream, topped with cookie bits

Last night, part of my aunty duties involved spending time in the kitchen, forging relationships over a pail of homemade ice cream. The excitement on the face of a 4yr old over an electric ice cream mixer and seeing a milky concoction morph into smooth textured goodness was priceless. What is not so priceless is that I have been dipping into the tub of ice cream all day!

I mentioned that one of my goals for 2015 was around health and fitness, and that I would be participating in a health and fitness challenge at work. Kind of like The Biggest Loser, but without Jillian Michaels, excessive exercising and the cameras, 

So I registered officially this week, so yes, this is really happening!!!

But it was a very traumatic experience to say the least. While I knew I had put on (more) weight, seeing the numbers really affected me deeply. And not just the gross number of pounds flash before your eyes, but on the nifty self-esteem killing device known as the Body Composition Monitor and Scale, you get your body fat percentage, body mass index (BMI) and skeletal muscle among other mind numbing stats. It was a wake up call for sure. Sharing this information with a third party did not help minimise my discomfort. I will admit I was ready to jump in front of a truck after that. lol.

The only churning will be me churning away in the gym

So over the next 8 weeks, we will be working within teams, with the dietitian, and with the fitness schedule to bring these numbers down in a healthy way. There is no expectation that anyone will look like Beyonce after 8 weeks, but the hope is that we will adopt healthier habits and make use of the resources available to us. I am very competitive and so the competition element will go a long way in keeping me honest and motivated. I will admit, a bit of depression has set in over the past few weeks, and this has been my main enabler as I am a comfort eater. I know it has to be more about my health and wellness, etc, but kicking ass is a great motivator as well. I have a target I am working with and so there will be no more aunty/kiddies ice cream sessions. 

This weekend is a tough one - a 5-day weekend with hot cross buns, and get togethers, and already, 2 days of feeling ill and tired. But I gave myself today to rest, regain my strength and not care. That is the lie I told myself every time I opened the freezer today. But it's game on now. Wish me luck!

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Me vs 2015. What's the score after the first quarter?

Cheers to a commendable first quarter!

So the first quarter of the year is almost over and I am reviewing my KPIs.I will admit, it has been a slow start to the year. I looked at my list and while I have not tackled all of them, I have made some inroads into others.

1. Spend more time with the family.
I have been doing a really good job with this. Soon, they will be begging me to go away. I have been getting my mum to try new things/experiences, and just this morning I was greeted by chubby cheeks as the niece and nephew came over. I have been seeing them much more - doing aunty things like taking them to participate in Kiddies' Carnival, taking them for pizza and ice cream, playing 'sling shot' (I enjoyed this more than they did!) and just sitting and watching silly shows that are not on MY Netflix profile but on theirs. I have also been trying to make more time for my friends too. It has been a good start!!

I have more yogurt and fruit, and less ice cream

2. Health and fitness
Well, I have actually put on weight and I don't need to stand on a scale to confirm that. I just know. I know how I have been eating and I know how I have been slacking off at the gym. I know. However, I have taken a bold and almost traumatic step - I have registered for a health and fitness competition at work. It is a Biggest Loser type initiative and while I will confess, the actual prize (though I do not know what it is) is what drew me to it primarily, I know I need something to motivate me. I have found it hard to stay motivated on this for some reason this year. The traumatic part of this is that I am going to have to publicly declare how fat and unfit I am - well, at least to 2 people - the nurse and the dietitian. I neverrrrrr stand on a scale and now I am going to be haunted by that figure and by the fact that others will also know. lol. But over the next 8 weeks I am going to give it a good go, especially as it is a team event and I cannot let my teammates down.

3. Travel
I have not gone anywhere yet but I generally do not travel at this time of the year. But I do have a fair idea where I am going mid-year. This is probably the easiest of all my KPIs and the one that would most likely make anyone who knows me say "duh".

4. Paying it forward
This is an important one. Too often we work, make money, enjoy the fruits of our labour without reflecting on how we got there. On my path to awesomeness, I had an incredible circle of friends and family and people I met along the way, and who have since become gems in my circle. They have all in one way or another been support and comfort through personal and professional milestones. I am nothing without my circle. I also know that even though I may gripe about little things like being tired all the time or being a bit too fat for life, I have been blessed and I do not have any real earth shattering issues. But some young girls start their lives under more challenging economic and social circumstances, and may need someone to be in their circle. So this is why I am on my way to being a Big Sister to a Little Sister in the Big Sister Programme. I am most excited about this. I have always always wanted an opportunity like this and when it presented itself to me at last, I ran with it. I am so happy to be able to write a positive progress report on this KPI and so early in the year!

5. Stretch myself in the kitchen
I love to cook and I cook often, mostly my lunches for work. But I also wanted to try things I have always been less confident about or have never tried before. I tried making croissants once as a teenager and they were like lethal boomerangs. I saw a recipe for pain au chocolat this morning and decided I would try my hand again this weekend. But I have also done some fun things like new flatbreads, stuff involving the dreaded pie crust and been learning how best to cook different kinds and cuts of meats.

Blind baked my pie crust for a lovely spinach and mushroom quiche

6. Blog at least once a week
So far, a resounding success. I have a blog entry for every week of 2015 so far. It is a miracle! It has not been easy, but I have done it! (cue super hero music)

So I know I have to get off Netflix and get a jump on some of the other items on the performance contract and get to work. But so far, hey...doing okay. I will not let 2015 kick my ass.

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Netflix - So Evil, but so Good

Life? What is life?

Binge - to excessively indulge in something.

Some of us already participate in excessive behaviours - binge-eating, binge-drinking, chain-smoking, shopping sprees. Then came Netflix and binge tv.

I have been a Netflix subscriber for a few years now but never really actively used it, as I was busy with school, then with work, and in between, busy travelling, socialising and having a life.

Then came Christmas 2014, and my brother came over to the house with the kids and asked why there was no Netflix on the tv. It was still only a cute app on my tablet. In order to keep the kids occupied, he went ahead and added Netflix to the tv,and that was when it all went downhill.

Later when all the family had gone, the dishes were washed and I was all snuggly in my pyjamas, fluffy socks and with a glass of white wine, I sat in front of the tv, turned it on, and since there was nothing besides warm and vomitty fuzzy Christmas specials on, I flicked on Netflix. There in big screen wonder,was the beginning of my binge tv existence.

Over the long holiday weekend, I started in on Downton Abbey, finishing the first two seasons in record time. I have since brought myself up to date, having completed all five seasons on Netflix and via streaming. Then I moved on to The Fall, followed by Luther, and Orange is the New Black.I just today opened up The Killing, after a failed outing with Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, which is way too looney toons for me.

One of my fave shows is Orange is the New Black

I love me some Idris. DS Justin Ripley and DCI John Luther - Luther is also on Netflix

But Netflix is evil. Plain and simple. You switch it on to watch Episode 3,saying to yourself, after this episode, you will go feed the dog and do something worthwhile with your life. Before you know it, the dog is scratching at the door, the sun has set and you're still on the couch with snacks and on Episode 8, unaware of life around you.

Netflixing 
- the act of watching an entire season of a show in one sitting
- a totally valid excuse for avoiding social obligations

How then do you end up on the couch for hours at a time, to the detriment of your friends, family,dinner dates and normal life?

Entertainment minus the wait - TV producers are generally trying to entertain you and keep you on the edge of your seat. You sit and watch an episode of your fave show on Tuesday night, it ends with a hell of a cliffhanger and you go "Ohhhhh snap" but then what? You have no choice but to take off the tv and wait 10,080 minutes til the next episode airs on the next Tuesday night. That can be real agony. With Netflix though, you don't have to endure those 10,080 minutes, or worse, but instead in less than 15 seconds can find out who shot J.R. - well, you know what I mean.

No commercials - Good tv with no interruptions. However, unless you have the emotional willpower to hit Pause, to go use the bathroom or feed the dog or children,this can be a really bad thing as well. lol.

Great tv all in one place - I love the one-stop-shop-ness of Netflix. I can choose to watch a movie or a tv series I may never have watched for one reason or another. I love that Netflix itself has also pushed the envelope with its own shows as well like House of Cards, and Orange is the New Black.  I don't have to resort to watching Lifetime any longer.

It's portable - Physically portable via the fact that when you leave the couch and the SmartTV you can still pick up your fave show on your laptop, tablet or phone.And of course, no matter where you are, you can pick up exactly where you left off.

Take your pick from the treasure chest that is Netflix.

So if you are an amateur at the Netflix hustle, here are some quick tips to note before embarking on a long weekend of quick showers, no human contact and hours and hours of tv and movies.

• Clear the house or have a Netflix buddy who is also a true believer -Nothing worse than being interrupted during your Netflix marathon
• Clear the schedule - Do the shopping, sweep the floors,feed the dog, farm out the kids before settling in on your couch with your remote, tablet, laptop or smartphone
• Make sure you are properly dressed - Comfortable, loose clothing works for me and if it is night time, you must have your blankie.
• Make sure you have marathon fuel aka food and drink - Netflix snacks are a must. I also like to have a nice wine open and ready to go for those unforgettable tv moments.

I was gutted when I heard that Fox had handed over Empire to Hulu and not Netflix so I am back to lying in bed with my tablet as I catch up on that. Not as fun as sitting on the couch looking at a much larger screen but Empire is as binge-worthy as they come. I have a whole separate post for Cookie Lyon, who is just my everything right now. But Happy Netflixin' this weekend, friends.

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The Selfie Stick - The Darkest Point in Humanity

The selfie stick at work. Steups.
Photo credit: The Telegraph

Let's just get right down to it. The selfie stick. It is possibly one of the most polarising contraptions out there right now. You either love it, or hate it. So what is it?

I love Urban Dictionary!

Selfie Stick 
- An extendable stick you can put your phone on so you can take a selfie from farther away.
- An elongated rod, usually made out of plastic or steel, with a camera on one end and a dense moron on the other

Others have also referred to the selfie stick as the Staff of Narcissus and my favourite was British journalist, Grace Dent who described them as "one of the darkest points in humanity".

Yet to some, the selfie stick is a moment in history - a greater discovery than the coffee bean, electricity or air-conditioning. Yep. Being able to enhance one's selfies for Facebook, Twitter and Instagram is the reason they sleep better at night.

I did some more research into this phenomenon and there are three basic kinds of Narcissistick...sorry...selfie stick.

• The sticks that are Bluetooth-enabled, which pair with your iPhone or Android phone and let you press a button on the handle to take a photo. 
• The sticks that plug into your smartphone’s headphone jack, which also let you take a photo with the press of a button on the handle. 
• Sticks that come without any remote triggering function; some of these are sold as a package deal with a keychain-sized Bluetooth remote. (source: QZ.com)

Now I love me a selfie and if one morning I think I look extra cute, better believe I am taking a freakin' selfie. Not on my soapbox when it comes to selfies - selfies can be great. But, what is this selfie stick business? I have a problem with this - people walking around with a stick to take selfies? C'mon man.

Now from a travelling perspective, and as a solo traveller, I completely understand how challenging it can be to document some of your moments on a life-changing global discovery. You stand in front of that monument you reaaaaaaally want to get a photo of - with you in it - and then do the tourist 'bait and release ' where you size up the other tourists or locals passing by and decide who looks friendly enough, or at the very least, the least surly, so you can ask them to take that photo for you.

Nowadays, with smartphones with flip cameras and so on, the vacation selfie has sometimes replaced the charity photo from fellow tourists. I have still not jumped on the vacation selfie train completely. I still like the old fashioned tourist beg because they are often much better photos, if you are a seasoned campaigner and know how to choose your volunteer photographer, and I still like having 1-minute meet and greets with strangers who may be just like me, or not. That's part of the beauty of travelling, for me.

But I will admit, I am not a lover of the selfie stick. Though I get how it could benefit me as a solo traveller in particular, I feel an overwhelming distaste for it. I am so glad many museums and other such places have seen fit to ban their use. It is already hard battling with overzealous tourists trying to take selfies in front of everything, including that painting you want to take a closer look at. Add a 3-foot stick to the mix, and a few hundred...thousand tourists to that, and it is a nightmare.

This would drive me crazy!

Not to mention, people seem to be whipping out these things any and everywhere. There has to be some risk of physical harm as people walk around with these things threatening to poke you in the eye or in the guts. Not to mention the plain old inconvenience of it.

There was the guy in Rio de Janeiro waiting to go up the Sugarloaf Mountain cable car. His gigantic selfie stick kept getting caught in the vinyl ceiling of the waiting area and then inconvenienced other passengers inside the already-cramped cable car. - TreeHugger.com

But of course it speaks to a deeper malaise -the ever pervasive need to be viewed, to be 'liked', to create this world where everything about us and around us is perfect. Where every single thing is a photo opportunity and a chance to get 100 likes on Instagram and get more likes than the photo taken before or your friend's photo. Where you end up becoming more focused on the photo's potential on your social media than on the actual moment.

I’ll never forget the woman at a spectacular northeastern beach who never took her eyes off her extended cell phone, carefully wading into the warm turquoise ocean while holding her selfie stick at the perfect angle. She posed, smiled, angled her head, posed again. Not once did she put down her stick to actually swim in the water - Treehugger.com

Co-sign!
Photo credit: The Telegraph

If this is your thing though, more power to you. I won't wade up to a woman like this and tell her don't do it. That is her business. I will possibly snicker and roll my eyes and blog about it, but it is her right to look like an idiot.

Where I do have a problem is if that selfie stick is going to challenge ME! - if it is going to block my view of my experience, be totally invasive during my moment, or just simply physically be a nuisance.

So kudos to some of my favourite places like the National Gallery and the Chateau de Versailles for banning the selfie stick to ensure everyone can enjoy the treasures which these venues offer to visitors.

Sadly I am hearing that selfie drones may soon be inflicted upon us. At that point I think I may just retreat into self-imposed exile from the world.

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